Regrets? I've a had a few- said Frank in a song - No-No regrets?- sang a French song bird once- There comes a time in your life when you really think about what you may have done different and what would have been the outcome. Or maybe what would have happened if only you had chosen another path in your career. Not that you have to be a washed up to think this way. Oh no- there are many a young person out there who muse over the possible scenarios of even their short experience of life - if they had only gone in another direction!- if only they had said this or that to that person and not remained dumb-if only they had listened at school- or in some cases- if only they had actually attended school at all. Its a human frailty- wishing for something better - especially when life seems pointless, or at least when you think it is. Painting is a bit like that. What if you had more talent? -What if you could create without the pressure of needing to eat? What if?- if. The only way to deal with the absolute waste of time and energy that pondering about 'what-if's' actually is, is not to do it. At least with painting you can start over. I mean you can start again from scratch with paintings. Unlike with life, although you can promise yourself to be a 'better human' being- or maybe decide to not give a monkeys about anyone but yourself- (as by way of a change)- I know a few people who have done that. But the truth is they're just fooling themselves. You really can't change who you are. Can you? If you are a caring person to start with then you will care about others always - eventually- despite yourself and despite making great efforts to be self centered. But, if you're a self centered to start with - then no amount of self-awareness or finding a 'mission' from God is going to make the slightest bit of difference - in the long run- You will regress and become that self centered individual that you always knew you were. May as well face it and make the most of it. I mean we only live once - Or, we only remember one life at any one given time- (I had to say that to satisfy the Buddhists in my life) -But its when you get to a life threatening situation that 'what if' becomes more important. especially if its a possible premature death. - But, even though you are terrified of 'popping your clogs', somehow this 'pre-death' thing presents an opportunity to 'what-if' -alot. It seems to give you some sort of masochistic pleasure thinking about the way that 'things' could have been- If only you had taken the opportunities as they arose. Those opportunities that were totally wasted - By the time you get to a point where 'premature-death' presents itself as the only real future life takes on a different meaning. 'Looming Death' has the ability to stimulate one to fulfil any ambitions not realised. You start thinking about what is really important in life- Money not being one of them. There is another definite 'up-side' of possible 'premature death' too. You feel special. People around start behaving nice to you - Sympathetic to your every idea- They compliment you and tell you how 'good' you look' even though you know you don't. All of a sudden people want to know what you think- Enquire about what you are doing. - They had never had done before the diagnosis of doom. - had they ? - Those post 'doom' years- the times when you told them of your 'ideas' - when their eyes glaze over and a distinct outline of a flying pigeon appeared on their foreheads - Usually occurring just before they would say that they 'need' to go to the 'loo' or some other excuse to escape your wittering on about 'Art' (in my case). But - at the point of your ' imminent death' - They listen. - Sad but so true. At this juncture it is the only time you truly experience of what it's like for someone to give you a 'Second Chance.' To tell them exactly what you think and when they actually listen. I suppose its a bit like attending your own funeral, except the 'pre-death' thing means you can enjoy the buffet and be the centre of attention - at the same time. So, you may ask, with justification, why the hell am I writing about being given a Second Chance? - Truth is- I have one - But its not as much fun as it promised to be when I thought I had 'no chance' at all - To survive- I mean. All the attention has gone. No one, it seems, cares about serious paintings these days and indeed why should they? - Art can't achieve anything. Can it? It looks like I'm left with a studio full to the brim with unecessary 'work' -Why should I want to even finish them? - I've been prattling on about this specific series of paintings for the last two years (to anyone who showed the slightest bit of interest). - If I don't do something with them I am in danger of looking like a self deluding 'artist' - Besides- the paint alone cost an arm an a leg, my wife would kill me if I didn't at least try to make the effort to bring them to a conclusion - Its not that I'm incapable or shy of working on them, per se - but its more of, what for?- Thats my problem. I suppose I could always play that 'if' game and pretend I did die?- and that before I did join the 'choir invisible', I had finished the paintings - And that I had put them on exhibition - And that for once in instead of being artistically frustrated or negative and fighting to become affirmative- that I had actually used my Second Chance - And did some good- for someone - somewhere! Perhaps for people who haven't or won't get any chance at all.- You know what- Maybe a person can change. I think I will finish them, and I will do that exhibition. After all how may times do you get a 'Second Chance' ? -
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